Not TRYING to Make You Cry...

Honestly, I'm not TRYING to make you cry.  And maybe you WON'T cry.  Maybe I'M the crier.  (Well, okay, I am DEFINITELY the crier.)

I graduated from the Life of a Yogi yoga teacher training this past Sunday, laying to rest forever my chronic pain odyssey.  The gratitude I feel knows no bounds.

Here is Sri Dharma Mittra bestowing the diploma upon me, surrounded by the love of my family who have walked every step of this miraculous journey with me.

 

Note that I am the only person crying.


(In my defense, I was a little rocked by the news that while we were all in New York City, our BBQ area in our backyard was on fire.  More about that later.  It was a big day.)

Quick Note and Happy Mother's Day

This week I am finishing up the requirements for my graduation from the Life of a Yogi teacher training offered by the Dharma Yoga Center in New York City.  I'm writing papers and teaching classes and taking classes and trying to assemble all of the paperwork necessary in order to hand it in by May 20th.  Graduation is June 2.  I would really like to be able to attend because we're moving.

(Did I mention we're moving? Did I mention we still haven't found a house?  Did I mention that THIS house has already been rented? Oh, I'm sorry, did I scream out loud?)

Anyway, I have so much to tell you about--I have a list as long as my arm --but I need these five days to get my act together so that I can become certified and be a real yoga teacher.  I'll be back in five (ish) days to tell you all about stuff.

Meanwhile, here's a stunningly beautiful video of a mother practicing yoga.  I love everything about this video.  For me, it's a very tangible reminder of how yoga IS life.  See how serene she is, how loving to her kids as they wander in and out of her practice.  How graceful and strong she is. And how her practice continues, exuding love and calm and focus in the midst of life itself.

Among Other Blessings

The Dharma Yoga Center, where I did my yoga teacher training, has a blog and I have a post up on it right now! It's an article about yoga and healing.  Go check it out...I'll just be over here, beaming and feeling all of the gratitude in the world.

Then, if you feel like it, come back and tell me your story of healing.  I'm beginning the very slow work of shaping my book about finding healing in today's world.  I'd LOVE to hear yours. (If you'd rather, you can e-mail it to me at barb@sothethingis.com.) If I use your story, I won't use it with your name and details unless you give me permission.

Thank you!
Barb

Some Bad News and Some Good News

So, the bad news is that I'm totally addicted to caffeine again.

The way this happened was that I went to yoga teacher training, which was just...almost beyond description. More about that soon.

So then I got home on a Sunday night. Monday: I started teaching yoga, Tuesday: my husband closed the deal on the sale of his company which meant that he is unemployed and we are moving back to Austin, Wednesday: my parents arrived for a ten day visit.

It was either coffee or heroin.

No, I'm kidding. (Well, not about the coffee.  That part was real.)

But all of the other stuff was just a set-up to deliver the real news, which is that, after five years in New York, the Coopers are moving back to Austin, Texas.

As you might imagine, emotions are running high, and in my case, conflicted. Coop is ready to move back--his business network is there, his beloved cycling group is there, his brother is there and he does better than anyone in the climate there.  He's NOT a cold weather person.

Kath doesn't want to move. She would have had to change schools anyway, because her school only goes through ninth grade, but she is really grieving leaving her School of Rock community here.  Plus, she hates the heat. And also, she's fifteen.  Fifteen is hard, no matter what, but especially moving.

Jane (12) thinks we should have done this a LONG time ago. In fact, why did we make her move in the first place?  And oh, can we buy our old house on our old street so she can run down to her best friend's house at a whim?

As for me, I'm all over the map.  The Austin we left is not the same Austin welcoming us back. I went last month for a flying visit to house hunt and heard someone HONK in traffic.  (I almost got out of my car to see who it was.) And oh, the house hunt!  The market in Austin is so hot that we are trying to discover properties before they even go on the market.  (Luckily, our realtor is a genius at this.) Something like 80 people PER DAY are moving to Austin.  It's crazy.

But, you know, I'm not remotely the same person I was when I left Austin, either.  I've had this very devastating experience with chronic pain, and then a total transformation through yoga.  When I left Austin, I was kind of a party girl --I was your go-to girlfriend when you needed to sit down and have a glass of wine. Now I'm a tee-totaling, vegan yogi.  I'm your go-to girl when you need to drink a green juice and talk about the Yoga Sutras.

So, anyway, that's the big news.  I know I haven't written in a while, even though I have so much to tell you. But Coop asked me to keep things quiet until he had wrapped up a number of work-related issues and I kind of felt like the news was burning a hole in my pocket.  Like, if I talked about other things, I was HIDING the real news. (Look, I don't make the rules in my twisted little brain.  I just report them.)

I'll keep you posted on the struggle to give up the coffee.  I know what you're going to say about how  a little coffee never hurt anyone, but y'all, when I drink it, I can hear my pulse IN MY EARS.  This makes it hard to hear the still small voice.

Let me know if you hear of a house for sale in Austin in the Rollingwood area, preferably before it goes on the market!

Katherine Turns Fifteen

(Yes, I seem to only be writing blog LETTERS these days.  I don't know either. But I kind of like it.)

Dear Katherine,

Today you turn fifteen years old.

This past year has been something of a struggle for you. I guess I had hoped somehow that you'd bypass all of that teenage angst and stress--but now I see that it's a rite of passage we all must go through in order to become the adults we want to be.  You are such an amazing person, though, and you've weathered it as gracefully as anyone could have. I think things will continue to get better from here on out.

It's just that this is a hard, hard world in which to grow up.  You're bombarded by negativity unceasingly-- it's really relentless these days. Your peers get bored and resort to creating drama (as if there wasn't enough drama inherent in trying to figure out your place in the world.) There is a lot of pressure on you to perform in school. There is pressure to conform to societal standards, but not TOO much conformity.  Be an individual!  But not so much of one that people can't understand you! Come to terms with your sexuality--but don't have sex! Make a statement--but not so much of one that it impedes your chances of getting into a good college!

The whole world is schizophrenic.

If I could sum up the world of hope and love I have for you, it's this: all I've ever wanted for you is for you to be happy and well-adjusted.  I'm not invested in what you do for a living, nor how you dress, nor what music you listen to, nor the color of your hair.  I'm willing to support your passions, knowing that they may change over time.  I find YOU endlessly fascinating, so I'm interested in YOU.  But I'm not interested in controlling you, or forcing you on some life path that I deem good for you.  I know sometimes it looks like I have a vested interest in your performance in school, but I think that's really because I don't want you to place limitations on yourself and I know that a little effort now will save you heartache later.  Plus, in all honestly, you're one of the smartest people I've ever met and I can't wait to see what happens.  I can't wait to see what you do.

I've given you a lot of advice over the years, some solicited and some unsolicited. Now I just want to remind you that I am here for you --that I will ALWAYS be here for you-- in any way you need me to be.  You're good to go, Kath.  Listen to your still small voice--all of the values and guidance you need are already inside of you. There will always be people who want you to conform to their agenda, who are threatened when you take a different path.  It's up to you to decide if those people should have a voice in your life.

I read a great quote yesterday by Chris Hadfield, who just happens to be an astronaut, which made me laugh given your obsession with space in your earliest years.  He said:

"Decide in your heart what really excites and challenges you, and start moving your life in that direction. Every decision you make, from what you eat to what you do with your time tonight, turns you into who you are tomorrow and the day after that." 

 "Look at who you want to be, and start sculpting yourself into that person. You may not get exactly where you thought you'd be, but you will be doing things that suit you in a profession you believe in.  

"Don't let life randomly kick you into the adult you don't want to become."

I'm taking this advice myself.  It's never too late to become the adult you want to be.  And I guess that's my final reassurance for you: although the decisions you are faced with now seem overwhelmingly huge, really, most people reinvent themselves several times over. If you can beat back the pressure long enough to find what you enjoy and then pursue THAT, the world is yours for the taking.

Happy birthday, Katherine.  I love you more than I can say.

love,
Mom

On My Forty-Eighth Birthday

Dear Barb,

So, that feeling you have right now?  That all-encompassing feel of gratitude so strong that it's making you cry?  That's your birthday present from the Universe this year.

Enjoy every little bit of it.

In a way, you've earned it.  You've taken the steps necessary to free your mental state from being dependent on the people and events of your life. Not that they don't bring you joy --especially those people you had a hand in making --but your happiness is no longer dependent on how people treat you. Your happiness is no longer dependent on having a clean house or money in the bank or feeling seen and heard by the people who surround you. Your happiness comes from deep inside of you.

Good job.  I know that it takes work to stay in that place.  Keep at it.

But understand, too, that it's a gift. Not everyone gets to find that place inside that is a well of serenity, immutable no matter the political climate or the amount of barking by one insane cow dog.  Not everyone is free of pain. Not everyone feels at home in their skin.  You may have done a lot of work to get to that place of self-acceptance and gratitude, but understand that not everyone has the luxury of doing that work. It's a gift.  It's a miracle.

And I don't know, Barb.  I'm pretty sure that when you are on the receiving end of a miracle, you're supposed to share it.  I'm pretty sure that's how it works.

So, when you leave on Thursday to begin your ten day yoga teacher training immersion experience in New York City with Sri Dharma Mittra, remember to take them with you.  Remember to take those people suffering from chronic pain, remember to take those people who are in abusive relationships, remember to take those people who don't have enough to eat, or warm shelter or orange tabbies to cuddle. Take them with you, all of them, in your heart.  And with every breath, every sacred offering of the physical practice of yoga, every moment of quiet reflection and meditation and learning --offer them up for healing and comfort and kindness and compassion. Try to be a conduit for these things for them.

Don't let me catch you comparing yourself to the twenty-something bendy people who will also be at this training.  Just as people can't look at you and know your story, you can't look at them and know theirs.  Keep your eyes on your own mat, dear. Focus on the infinite gift you've been given.  Try to channel it to those who aren't as lucky. Breathe.

This past year has been a revelation in growth and change.  Now, you are on the cusp of an experience that will change you forever in ways you can't foresee. Go with your grateful quiet heart.  Be receptive.  Find your truth and come back and share it with the world.

You need that. The world needs that.

love,
Barb

A Letter to my Niece on the Day of her Wedding

Dear Michelle and Quentin,

When I first heard about the book Quentin's sister was putting together for your wedding --full of advice and anecdotes and stories--I honestly thought I didn't have anything to add. I've always felt like I have this great marriage because I got LUCKY--and not because I was particularly wise or understood what made a long-term relationship work. I think I just got lucky that Coop and I found each other.

But then I started thinking about it and I decided that there was something to the idea of feeling like you're incredibly lucky to be married to your own husband. There's something about that kind of attitude of wonder and gratitude that serves a long marriage well. So, there it was, see, a little bit of advice: Remember every day how lucky you are to have found each other. So many people search all their lives for someone to spend their lives with and here you've found each other. You're lucky--try to remember that.

I don't think I was the best wife when we first were married, but I think I've become a better wife over the years. I've learned a lot. The practical reality of day-to-day marriage rarely looks like we think it's going to-- and usually, that's actually a good thing. For example, I've learned that expecting to agree about everything is unrealistic and something you wouldn't really want anyway. One of the best things about marriage is how our differences grow to complement each other.

One of the big things I've learned is to choose my battles. When we were first married, I tended to look at each argument as a deal breaker –I mean, I was willing to go to the mat over how we folded towels. Now I try really hard to only pursue the things I think will matter in five years. In five years, will I care how we folded towels? Nope. Will I just be happy that anyone besides me is even folding towels at all? Why, yes. Yes, I will.

Having said that, arguments are still going to happen. It’s just a natural part of two people trying to live together. So it’s important to establish some rules of engagement, so to speak. In my own marriage, Coop is very, very quick on his feet and he can out-argue me in a heartbeat if we are face to face, because he’s faster than I am and also, he's not crying. It not only puts me at a disadvantage, but I also feel unheard and bulldozed. So, we have, for the past seventeen years, fought via e-mail. We’re both strong writers, writing things out tends to take the heat out of the exchange AND, most importantly, we can edit out anything unkind. I think it’s important to stick to the issue at hand and not start bringing up things that happened years ago, or slinging personal accusations. Find the communication device that works the best for the two of you. Above all, be kind.

Here's another thing I've learned: sometimes when a woman gets together with her female friends, or a guy gets together with the guys, there's some spouse bashing that goes on. It's under the guise of girl or guy bonding -- a little good-natured fun poked at one's spouse. Here's the thing, though: there's a little edge to it, and in my experience, it opens the door for discontent to creep in. We can ALL think of things to complain about—and I think once you start, it creates a HABIT of complaint. What I try to do when the male bashing starts is to offer up something I think is adorable, because that opens up the door for thinking of MORE stuff that is cute. (As I was sitting here, I was trying to think of examples that I could list that wouldn't embarrass Coop and one thing led to another and then I had to send him a little love note listing things I love about him.)

Which leads to two other things I've learned. One: try to not embarrass your spouse. To anyone. It's not okay to expose him or her to ridicule, not even to your own family. We do enough to embarrass OURSELVES –people need to feel that their partners have their backs. Don't fight in public, don't undermine each other. Present a united front to the world. (This is especially important if/once you have children because those little suckers can SMELL division and will exploit it every time.)

And two: think of something you are grateful for about your spouse every single day --big stuff, little stuff --and then tell him or her. You don't have to buy a card or make a big deal of it. Sometimes I just send a quick note to my husband as I'm thinking of him. Sometimes I call. Sometimes I grab him and thank him for this amazing life he's given me. Sometimes, I make sure to thank him for something really small just to show that I've noticed. Practice gratitude for each other. Live in the wonder that this amazing person loves YOU. Wow. How great is that?

Probably the best advice on marriage that I ever got came from my mom, your grandmother. She said, "Keep a sense of humor." It's served me well over the years. Humor diffuses tense situations and unites us with our partners--there is nothing as intimate as a shared laugh. See the absurdity of life together and laugh yourselves silly. Own up to your mistakes, big and little, and laugh about them. Try not to fall into the trap of self- importance. When you do, it doesn't leave any room inside you for the other person.

Always, always feel like you are giving more than your spouse when it comes to your relationship. Marriage isn't 50/50. It's more like 90/90. The more you give, the more you get. Try not to keep score.

Keep a little magic. There are plenty of undignified moments that your spouse is going to observe --you can't live together for decades and never get a stomach virus --but be careful how familiar you are on a daily basis. Nobody wants to see you going to the bathroom. Nobody wants to see you plucking your eyebrows or treating your raging case of athlete's foot. Just keep a little mystery --it sends the important message that you care what your spouse thinks about you.

Get interested in something your spouse is interested in, even if it's not really your thing. Learn about it and support your partner in pursuing this passion. By doing this, you actively create shared interests and you'll never run out of things to talk about. Plus, your spouse will feel supported and heard and like you CARE what he or she is interested in.

I guess that's the real secret to a happy marriage: stay interested in and focused on each other. In each other's well-being, in each other's opinions, in making your partner laugh. Be grateful for each other. Don't give up on each other.  Love each other hard. Give a lot.

With many wishes for a long life of happiness together,

Aunt Barb